Lessons In Falling
by Paperclip-Assassin
Summary: A slightly different take on 9x06 "Heaven Can't Wait" mainly dealing with Dean's guilt over leaving Castiel alone with his struggle to be human and his attempts at regaining the fallen angel's trust. - One-shot.


_A/N_

_This is my take on mainly 9x06 "Heaven Can't Wait" with a tiny slip into 9x03 "I'm No Angel" at the beginning._  
_I worked around actual scenes (and hereby disclaim all dialgue of the episodes, I did not intend to steal it and sell it as my own) and added a few more glimpses and Dean's inner thoughts and feelings because it's my favorite episode ever and I think way too much about it. _

_You might notice that I could have made it way heavier on the whole Destiel thing but I do believe that it is already a very Destiel-centered episode (Hell, all of Season 9 sails the ship if you ask me) and it kinda provides a basis for my human!Castiel project- which will function as a sequel to this- because I am absolutely in love with that sensitive little chuckleface, okay? You'll be hearing from me, whether you like it or not. ;)_

_I also promise the sequel will explore a lot of Domestiel, solve the Posessed!Sam problem in an alternative way and generally go into a completely different and way more fluffly direction after "Heaven Can't Wait" It will be posted as a seperate story but if you want you can follow this story and I'll post a note once the sequel is up._

_so stay tuned if you're interested. /shameless self-promotion over/_

_Disclaimer: I don't own the actual dialogue from the show, or the characters._

* * *

**Lessons In Falling**

* * *

Leave it to the Winchesters to make one hell of an entrance.

The door shattered under the combined force of two very pissed hunters in search for their human angel who was, as Dean noted with a gut-cringing amount of terror, bound to a chair in the centre of the room with another godforsaken reaper hovering above him. His eyes met the helpless look of his friend just as the bitch rammed the angel blade in her hand into the tanned flesh of her torture victim with a hasty thrust. A gasp escaped Castiel's lips, eyes blown wide open, body rigid in shock.

Dean lost it.

Overcome with fury he lurched forward, intent on cutting the reaper's freaking heart out with the blade he had brought, only to be thrown across the room and ridded of said blade… and really, he should have learned his lesson by now. Openly attacking an angel face to face? Never works. The sneak-approach, however, had more often than not proven advantageous. He cringed as he fought with disorientation and the sound of his brother crashing into a wall or something, but while the reaper was busy trash-talking at Sam he could creep closer and, trying not to actually look at the body in the chair, gather what must have been Cas' own blade into his hand. Bitch-Reaper laid a good right hook on Sam, sending him flying once more, but the moment she turned around Dean had her impaled. The white-blue light that filled the room somehow didn't come with a feeling of victory and as soon as the angel lay motionless on the floor Dean turned to take in the damage she had left on Cas.

Cas who was now human, he remembered with a panic that usually only surfaced when his brother was involved.

Cas who could no longer just… heal.

"Cas?" He carelessly tossed the bloodied blade aside and hurried to his friend's side. "Cas!" The panic became more real when he cupped the ang- _man's_ face in both his hands, stubble scratching his palms as he did so, and felt no pulse, no breath, no nothing. "_Cas!_" His voice broke as he pulled back slightly, not believing that this was it, that his friend, his only actual friend outside Sam, was gone. Just like that. "No…" It was so quiet, so unlike himself, as he uttered that one syllable, his body suddenly heavy like lead. He had failed once again, he thought as he stood back up from his crouching position, pained eyes taking in the fallen angel. It was ironic, really, that they had averted the capital A Apocalypse all those years ago, had kept the CROATOAN virus from spreading, and yet here he stood looking at a human Castiel. And he looked human, too. Not just because of his beginning lumberjack beard but his entire appearance seemed more... grounded. Dean couldn't quite stop his eyes from wandering over Cas' exposed chest, inwardly cringing at the wounds and yet oddly in awe of how fit the ex-vessel was, how the sun-kissed skin glowed even in… even in death.

He regarded his brother with a quick glance and said in a thankfully more or less stable voice, "Sam, he's gone."

Sam reacted oddly unaffected and it was only until Dean really looked at him- and did a double-take- that he realized it was actually Ezekiel staring down at the lifeless body, not his brother. The angel reached out and hovered a hand- Sam's hand- above Castiel's lethal wounds, working his angel mojo. It was obvious that it was causing him discomfort and that in consequence it would prolong his brother's time of healing, Dean got that. Still, he didn't hold the angel back, desperately willing the wounds on Castiel's body away, his lips moving in silent pleas as he watched the scene.

A few agonizingly long moments later Ezekiel stumbled backwards, the usage of power and grace having taken its toll on the celestial being. Dean's worry increased- more for Sam than the angel but still- when the huge body slumped to the ground and he was just about to take another step toward 'them' when a blissfully familiar voice croaked up from behind him.

"Dean?"

It was even rougher than he was used to and that said something if you knew Castiel. Immediately he rushed back to his friend's side, brother and angel slipping to the back of his mind. "Hey," he said weakly, then again, "Hey. Yeah," in a jumbled mess of what he wanted to be words of reassurance, of comfort. A tiny little part of his heart swelled with warmth as he realized that the first word that had left newly-alive Castiel's lips had been _his name_ and a voice that sounded oddly like a bitch-faced Sam mockingly whispered 'profound bond'.

Cas looked hella confused, you'd expect that from someone who'd just died and been revived not five minutes apart, and searched the room, seeing the younger Winchester trying to pull himself up. "And Sam…" he said. And it _was_ Sam again, Dean noted.

"Yes. You're okay?" When at Sam's inquiry the ex-angel just stared at them with his huge forlorn eyes, obviously trying to understand just _why_ he was okay, Dean had to try very hard not to sob. Whether from relief or frustration he wasn't sure but he was quick to suppress the feeling again. Now that Cas was alive he could pretend like this whole clichéd chick-flick supreme moment he'd had earlier hadn't happened.

"Never do that again," he growled sternly, pleased when Cas focused his wide eyes on him with incredulity and almost a slight edge of annoyance.

"Alright," he muttered.

**.**

* * *

**.**

Dean repeated the story about how he had kebabed the reaper again and again, paying attention to the details to make it seem less artificial and more genuine while struggling to maintain a perfectly straight face. Sam was fucking grand-scale suspicious by now but with every time Dean told it, the carefully built lie sounded more believable. He just concentrated on sounding as casual as possible and focus on the burrito in his hand. When Cas joined them in the room he was glad for the distraction. As opposed to when he had been an angel, Cas' features seemed much softer as a human, his eyes still piercing and almost illegally blue but somehow just… well, different. It was hard to describe.

"I'm really enjoying this place," Cas said with obvious wonder in his voice as he stared back at the Winchesters. "Plentiful food, _good_ water-pressure… things I never even considered before," he did a funny little half-smile and Dean quickly looked away, labelling it as _weird_ before his unhelpful mind could scream _endearing_ at him. "There really is a lot to being human, isn't there?" It wasn't really a _question_-question but somehow, coming from this former angel's lips, the words weighed heavy with meaning. Dean did what he did best and deflected it.

"It ain't all just burritos and strippers, my friend," he said, focusing intently on his food, practically feeling his brother's amusement at the exchange.

"Yeah. I understand what you're saying," Cas replied thoughtfully, throwing both Winchesters off-guard.

"You _do_..." Sam said with an almost insulting amount of disbelief.

As if to humour them Cas elaborated what he meant. "Yes, there's more to humanity than survival; you… you look for purpose. And you must not be defeated by anger or despair…. Or hedonism, for that matter. " And okay, yeah, wow that made a surprising amount of sense coming from a guy who had a) only been human for not all that long and b) had had serious trouble expressing himself in the past.

Still. _Hedonism?_ "Where's hedonism come into that?" he asked without thinking. At his answer, Cas' expression changed ever so slightly.

"Well, my time with April has been very educational."

Sam spoke up, voice somewhere between confusion and amusement. "Yeah, I mean I would think that getting killed is… something."

"And having sex," Cas deadpanned. Dean almost choked on the burrito chunk he was chewing on and stood up from where he'd been casually sitting on the table.

"You had sex with April?" He said it a bit too fast but he was surprised and kind of didn't think Cas _could_ have sex, thinking back to that one time he'd attempted to have the angel's cherry popped. Then again, Cas had been watching an uncomfortable amount of porn since then, so…

"Yeah, that'd be where hedonism comes in," Sam piped up but Dean was quick to shush him, genuinely interested in what Cas had to say. Instead of an answer he just got met by a blue-eyed look that screamed 'duh'. It was actually pretty funny, Dean thought, and maybe the angel was more experienced on the topic than he had let on.

"So, did you have protection?" he asked further.

Cas regarded him with a furrowed brow and said, "I had my angel blade," as if that was the most logical reply to offer. Not that experienced after all.

A small sound of slight bemusement and almost a tinge of helplessness escaped Dean's lips before he huffed under his breath and repeated, "He had the angel blade…"

"In any event, I do now see how difficult life can be and how well you two have led it. And I think you'll be… great teachers." Dean muttered his thanks, guessing he should probably start the teaching with a talk about safe-sex.

"Are there any more burritos?" Trust good old Cas to break the tension just like that.

"Ah, yeah, it's…" Dean just pointed into the general direction and watched as the ex-angel strolled over to the food source. He hadn't seen Cas eat since the pre-Apocalypse Famine incident, it was just plain weird but a genuinely entertained smile stuck to his face as he looked after his friend, missing the sudden blue glow in his brother's eyes as he said, "Oh, Cas. He gave it up to a reaper, that is-"

"Castiel cannot stay here," Ezekiel interrupted. "He will bring the angels down on all of us."

"No, no," Dean said in Cas' defence, "He's got the Enochian tat, so he's warded."

"He was warded when April found him," the angel reminded him sternly and okay, fine, that was true. "And she killed him." The words stung as images of a lifeless Cas flooded his mind. He didn't need to see a repeat of that.

"Yes, and you brought him back, and thank you for that but this is _Cas_," he tried to reason with Ezekiel, tried to explain how hard it was to let the dark-haired man go without actually saying it. "The guy who vouched for you when I didn't know you for jack. The bunker is safe!" It already felt like a lost battle when he looked into the angel's eyes, his _brother's_ eyes.

"Bartholomew is massing a force," Ezekiel warned, stepping closer. "We cannot stand and encourage it. Cas is in danger… and if he's here _I_ am in danger." The words didn't leave much room for arguing but Dean still tried.

"Wait, _you're _in danger?" he asked, "From who, the angels?"

Ezekiel looked past him at a probably contently chewing Castiel as if still afraid of his angelic sense of hearing. "If he stays, I am afraid I will have no choice but to leave."

"No, you can't do _that_," Dean said, feeling a nagging shadow of worry creep into his stomach but doing his best to supress it. "Sam's not well enough, if you leave his body-"

Again the angel interrupted him. "I know. I'm sorry."

And that was it. The next second he was looking at Sam again who chattered amusedly about Cas' lost virginity and teased Dean about the face he'd made at the news mercilessly. Dean couldn't even smile back, all his initial light-heartedness gone and replaced by a chunk of anger directed at himself. He had to send Cas away. Right now, right after saving his ass and giving him a wrong feeling of protection and shelter. It almost crushed him once Sam went to do something and therefore provided a moment of peace and quiet to talk to Cas. He breathed in a lungful of air and stalked over to the eating man at one of the large tables. As soon as Cas noticed his approach he faced him, chewing a mouthful of burrito. "This ethnic food- I just can't get enough," he marvelled and took another bite.

"Cas, uh, can we talk?" Dean said almost roughly. It was a sentence that usually meant trouble but Cas didn't know that. Yet. He just focused all his attention on Dean, even pulled out a chair for him.

"Of course," his eyes were serious, guessing that whatever the hunter had to say was of import. "Dean, you know I always appreciate our talks. And our time together." Dean almost turned to run because it was his friend's way of saying that he _missed_ the time they spent together, and honestly, so did Dean himself. With all the crap going on with the fallen fractions of angels and with Sam he had still always felt a heavy load of worry for Cas. Sure, he had been a very capable angel and Dean admitted that he'd done well enough on his own as a human- until he'd gotten himself killed. And now here he was, freshly showered, eating food and looking at Dean with those searing blue eyes in open search for guidance. Dean blinked and cleared his throat, ignoring the chair and instead half-sitting on the table.

"Listen, buddy, uh…" Fuck, this was hard but he was doing it for Sam, he reminded himself. "You can't stay." He said it so coldly that Cas' mouth opened in slight shock, as if he had never expected these words to ever leave Dean's lips. His blue eyes filled with a look of betrayal and yet Dean saw that the former angel tried to understand, to search his head for the mistake he had made. For a moment Dean was tempted to say 'it's not you, it's me' because it was like that but he couldn't really offer an explanation so he silently stared back, ignoring the clenching heart in his chest.

The next moment he was alone because Cas stormed out and they wouldn't hear from him again until weeks later.

**.**

* * *

**.**

"How many volumes are there?" Dean asked although he had a feeling that he really didn't want that question answered as he held the book on extinct languages in his hands while looking between his nerd brother and the genius prophet, who promptly told him that there were twenty-four more of these abominations.

"Don't worry, we've found them all," Kevin assured him, misinterpreting his defeated expression.

Dean's voice dripped with sarcasm as he said, "_Awesome_," not missing his brother's judgemental exhale. Promptly at that moment his phone came ringing to life and he fished it from his pocket, muttering, "There is a God," before answering on the third ring. "Hello?"

"_I may have a case for you_." It was Castiel's voice which was more than a bit surprising because they hadn't heard from the ex-angel since he'd left the bunker. No, wait. Since he'd been _kicked out_. He didn't have the time to wince at how bad he felt before Cas continued. "_Four missing in Rexford, Idaho, presumed dead but no bodies have been released to loved ones and there were reports of a strange substance at the scenes._"

Dean got up and walked away from the table almost as if to search for some privacy while he listened to the former angel's words while Sam and Kevin flipped through a bazillion of dusty pages. "Oh, well, hello to you too, Cas," he said sarcastically once the man on the other end of the line had finished. "How are you?"

"I _…am busy_," Cas said slowly, almost kind of unsure, and Dean shook his head, wondering what on earth could have his friend so full of activity that he wouldn't give him a call for weeks to let him know he hadn't been screwed by a reaper again, in every freaking sense of the word, or something.

Instead of asking he switched to his routine investigation mode. "Alright, so how do you wanna do this?" The rest of his attempt of organising their meeting was swallowed by a small crash and something that pretty much sounded like a lot of liquid being spilled.

"_Uhm, I've got my hands full over here. I just, ah-_" Cas' voice was clearly distressed. Not in a surrounded-by-demons kinda way, though, but more like a stressed out human way and it made Dean wonder where exactly 'over here' was.

"Cas? Hello?"

"_-thought you'd wanna know about the case_," Cas finished.

"Hey, you sure everything is-" The line disconnected and Dean stared at his phone in confused frustration, "okay…" He huffed once, storing the mobile device safely away in his pocket before re-joining the others. His brother was already raising a questioning eye-brow and making a face like asking 'boyfriend troubles?' which made Dean want to bitch-slap him. Kevin didn't seem to have noticed the phone call at all.

"Cas?" Sam asked. "What'd he say?"

Dean pursed his lips and scratched the back of his neck. "Said he might've found a case to work on in Rexford, Idaho."

"_Idaho?" _

"Yeah. Idaho. No big deal, I'll go there and see what there is to it, keep you up to date. It's probably nothing, you know Cas."

"Maybe he just wants to see you," Kevin joined into the conversation without looking away from the book under his nose and Dean huffed his disapproval.

"Didn't really sound like he wanted me there but whatever. I'll go pack some stuff and hit the road, you two librarians keep on sorting through these," he motioned around the load of literature strewn on the desk and disappeared to his room. For cases such as this he always kept a duffel bag ready with toiletries and a few sets of clothing. He was glad for Cas' call, not only because it gave him the perfect excuse to avoid reading through a literary snore-fest but also because he felt infinitely bad about how they had parted ways and saw this as a golden opportunity to seek his friend's forgiveness. With his things packed he snuck into his brother's room to borrow the younger man's laptop, wanting to trace Cas' phone call so he could find the guy once he was in the area. It was a quickly done task and soon his phone vibrated with a message containing the former angel's coordinates. Dean closed the computer with a satisfied nod of his head and grabbed his duffel bag. His last stop before he wanted to leave was the kitchen where he quickly made himself a couple of sandwiches for the road with some of the chicken they had left over from their last meal.

All in all not half an hour had passed when Dean was ready to go. The moment Sam saw him he blocked his path. "What, so you're really gonna leave right away?"

Dean shrugged and pushed past his brother, "Yeah, I mean the sooner I'll leave, the sooner we'll know if Cas' tingling spidey-senses are legit." His brother followed him into the computer room past a still reading prophet to the staircase leading to the nearest exit.

"So he said nothing about where he is, or- or what he's been doing?"

Sam was being annoying so his reply came out harsher than intended. "This is _Cas_, in case you forgot, he's not exactly Chatty Cathy."

"And you're not even gonna _see_ him when you're in Idaho?"

"Well, like I said, as long as he's catnip for angels he's keeping his distance." Of course he was going to see him but there was no need for Sam, and therefore Ezekiel, to know that because that way he could see how his friend was doing without having to worry about his brother. He stubbornly climbed the stairs and Sam stopped following him.

"So what's the point? Dean?" he called from below, "I mean it's barely even a case."

Dean looked down from the top of the staircase. "That's why I'm just gonna go have a little looksee and we're not gonna waste a whole lot of manpower on a big pile of nothing." He was getting scary good at lying to his brother and that wasn't necessarily a good thing but helpful nonetheless. Kevin, of course, missed the point spectacularly as well and just assumed Dean was skipping doing research- okay, so he did that, too, but the main reason for his quick departure was Cas. "You got me," he mockingly admitted and left.

**.**

* * *

**.**

Dean pulled the Impala up at the location that fit the coordinates on his phone, Cas' coordinates. He'd googled the address beforehand and noticed it was of a gas station, so maybe Cas had just called him from there but still he tried his luck. And promptly recognized the figure behind the cash register as none other than Castiel himself. The guy had found work. Real, actual work and all on his own, too. If Dean hadn't felt so damn guilty he might have smiled. Only human for a couple of weeks and already Cas was doing a better job than him, earning honest money like any regular person. He got out of the car and grabbed his cooling takeaway coffee, deciding to give Sam a quick call and fill him in on what he got on the case so far.

As soon as his brother started saying stuff like how this was a real actual case and he should be there with him Dean regretted his choice and tried to talk him out of it, giving vague excuses about how he got this one covered while looking across the street where Cas was bagging items. The conversation was ended effectively as he pressed the end call button on his phone. He watched his friend another long moment, absentmindedly tapping his phone against the Impala's roof before heaving a sigh as he pushed himself off the car and walked over to the gas-n-sip shop, a chunk of nervousness weighing down his stomach.

Cas didn't notice him as he entered and stood in line behind some lady, watching the ex-angel intently. He seemed so… _normal_. Awkward, yeah, but also a lot less out of place than Dean would have imagined. He ripped a lottery receipt from the machine and handed it over to his customer, saying "Good day, ma'am, and good luck," doing a cringe-worthy thumbs-up before turning to the next person in line.

"I'll have some beef jerky and a pack of menthols," Dean announced his presence, trying not to look too hurt when Cas reacted with shocked hostility. Still he offered a half-smile.

"What are you doing here?" Cas asked, sounding shameful and defeated.

"Gee, it's nice to see you too, Cas," Dean retorted, smile faltering.

"It's _Steve_ now," the dark-haired man explained, motioning to his name tag, "and… you know, you surprised me."

Dean was puzzled. "Well, the feeling's mutual. I mean I get you had to lay low from the angel threat but this is some cover," he joked half-heartedly. Cas obviously didn't see the humour in the statement and neither did he, actually. Even less so when Cas calmly threw at him what he had dreaded all along; the truth.

"My grace is gone, what did you expect? Do you have any idea how hard it was when I fell to earth?" his voice grew stronger as he spoke. "I didn't just lose my powers, I-"

_I lost you, too. _

The words hung unspoken between them and Dean felt like he was going to be sick from the guilt gnawing away at him. He had done this to the angel Castiel, he had corrupted him all those years ago and now he was human because of that.

"I had nothing, and now," Cas continued with a sigh, gaze dropping downwards, "I'm a sales associate." He looked back up and focused earnest eyes on Dean.

"A _sales associate?_" he didn't mean for it to sound so scornful but come on, seriously? The dude had been a freaking _angel_ and now he lived to hand out receipts to the ladies of suburbia, this wasn't right. Before he could say more some guy came up, requesting _Steve's_ signature, which _Cas_ gave him. It was bizarre.

"I'm responsible for inventory, sales, customer service, I keep this place-" he handed the clipboard back with a _thank you_- "clean and presentable and when my manager is busy I even prepare the food."

"Wow, so you went from fighting heavenly battles to nuking Taquitos?" This time he didn't even try to hold back on the disdain because Cas seemed so ridiculously into it that he barely recognized him.

The former angel just nodded, not in the least offended. "Nachos, too."

The Winchester shook his head, following his friend around and watching as the dark-haired man neatly stashed chocolate bars and soda cans, wiped the windows clean of finger prints, cleaned dried coffee stains off a countertop and emptied the trash can before heading into a back room.

"This is not you, man, you are above this, come on," Dean said, trying to talk the other man out of his BS as he stalked after Cas who was now carrying a box from the storage room.

"No, Dean, I'm not," he said when he finally looked at the hunter again. "I failed at being an angel. Everything I ever attempted came out wrong, but here? At least I have a shot at getting things right."

Yeah, fine, he had messed up pretty bad in the past, several times, but lots of that hadn't even been his fault. He'd just trusted the wrong people, Dean himself probably being one of them. Cas kept talking while he unpacked the cardboard box. "I guess you don't see it the way I do but there's a real dignity to what I do. A human dignity."

And please someone give Castiel's manager some cue points because she came in at that exact moment to inform them of a bathroom accident, which Cas promised to clean up because that's just how freaking dignified he was.

"Oh, and tonight," the blonde quickly added, "Seven at my place work for you?"

Dean was sure he hadn't heard that one correctly, though. "Great," Cas said, confusing him further.

The manager smiled. "You're the best." What in the name of… oh. _Oh_. As soon as she was out of hearing range again Dean turned to face his friend.

"So _that's_ what this is about." Given, this made a lot more sense than all that human dignity crap. Cas was getting laid.

The smug bastard was playing innocent. "What?"

Dean raised his eyebrows and looked bemusedly at the ex-angel. "The girl," he explained, eyes screaming 'busted!' at his companion.

"No, Dean, it's not," Cas insisted but he didn't buy it. After all his friend had jumped into bed with the next best reaper, so he clearly wanted it bad. Not that Dean was in a position to judge. "Nora, she's a really nice woman." _Aha, see there we have it_. "I'm pretty sure she's not a reaper intent on killing me and she's asked me out." Cas said it with some odd sense of finality. "Going on dates, that's something humans do, right?"

To that Dean begrudgingly agreed, although if he had learned one thing in his life it was that you couldn't trust _anyone_, so a small part of him actually worried about Cas and that Nora person together but he hadn't smelt sulphur or noticed any other indications of supernatural activity in the area besides the case he was working so he let Castiel have his date. If anyone deserved it, it was him.

Of course his phone had to ring right then, the local sheriff informing him of yet another vaporization. It was a quick call and Dean promised to be right there before hanging up and turning back to Cas. "There was another kill, over at the high school. You comin'?"

He hadn't even realized how badly he wanted Cas to come until the former angel turned him down. "I won't be much use, I don't have my powers."

"So? I've never had powers."

Cas sighed as if he was talking to a stubborn child. Which he kind of was. "You are a hunter."

"And you're a hunter in training, remember?" he quickly shot back, hoping this would suffice as persuasion. It didn't.

"Yeah, I remember," Cas said as he turned to face him fully, "You said I sucked."

"I didn't say that"- he had but that wasn't the point- "I said there was, uh, erm, room for improvement." A lot of room. "Come on!"

Finally Cas seemed to give in because he sighed dejectedly but he really didn't seem too happy about it. "My shift's over in five minutes and my date's not until later, so-"

"Atta boy," Dean interrupted happily, "I'll go get the car."

"Not just yet. I have to clean the bathroom," Cas said, regarding him with an almost Sam-worthy bitch-face and turning to do his humanly deeds.

**.**

* * *

**.**

While he did the usual investigation slash witness interviewing Cas stood on the sidelines looking lost. More than once Dean had to scan the area for his companion because he kept looking for a trench coat where there wasn't one to be found and thought Cas had zapped himself away until he remembered the whole human thing. He couldn't make much sense from what the victim's friend babbled at him and the crime scene wasn't any different from the others so Dean made his way over to the black-haired guy in the gas-n-sip vest holding onto his Impala.

"Cas, what's wrong?" Something was definitely wrong. Well, aside from the exploded girl.

"I've seen this before."

"What? Where?"

"In Heaven." Cas looked absolutely terrified as he stood there, panting.

"Are you saying an angel did this?" Dean asked, surprised but not that surprised because in the end it always traced back to those winged dicks, didn't it.

"It's no ordinary angel. Dean, this is bad." And it really looked like it because the last time he had seen Cas this scared he couldn't even remember. "This is very bad," he repeated, shaking his head as if that would change the outcome of his realization.

Dean furrowed his brow and motioned for the former angel to get in the car so they could have the conversation in private, lest someone overheard them talking about angels and Heaven and had them placed in psychiatric care. The Impala provided the perfect bubble of privacy for them and for a long moment they neither said a word. Cas because he still seemed terrified and Dean because he was giving the other man time to gather his thoughts.

"For the battlefields of Heaven there was a special class of angel," Cas began to finally explain. "It was the _Rit Zien_, Enochian for '_Hands of Mercy'_. They functioned like medics, they attended to the wounded, they healed those who could be healed… but for the mortally wounded, those who were past saving, the Rit Zien's job was to put them down."

"They granulated bodies?" Dean asked, trying to understand what Cas was telling him.

"It was their special ability," the former angel elaborated, "They had this way of smiting that was so quick and so _total_ that it rendered death virtually painless."

"But these aren't wounded angels, that they're vaporizing, they're people," Dean pointed out, understanding that talking about all this was probably hard on his friend but still seeing the solving of the case as his priority.

"Right," Cas murmured, looking out the window. "I don't know. The Rit Zien home in on pain, it's like a beacon to them, so when this angel fell to earth he heard the victims' cries, their anguish. Same as he'd hear the angels in heaven," Cas seemed to be onto something there, "He's continuing his heavenly work down here one suffering human at a time."

"Yeah, but this last victim wasn't suffering, it was just a normal moody kid," the hunter said, seeing the logic in Cas' explanation but having trouble grasping all of what he was hearing.

"But he just got here," Cas kept explaining, "The ebb and flow of human emotion? Dean, I've been on earth for a few years and I've only begun to grasp it. To him, pain is pain."

"So everybody's fair game," Dean understood what Cas was aiming at, at last. The former angel nodded. "Alright, we gotta stop him," he said, the hunter in him surfacing.

"_You_ have to stop him." Cas said it so quietly, his voice so lost, that Dean finally spoke out loud what he'd been suspecting all along.

"You're scared."

"It's different now, Dean. Everything feels different." Dean swallowed. Obviously adapting to life as a human was hard but he only just began to apprehend how much of a toll it was taking on a former angel like Castiel. There were so many urges and feelings the guy hadn't had to think about or feel for longer than time itself existed and now here we was, trapped in a tiny body, completely helpless.

"You're right," he finally said, "Alright, I'll track down this, uh, Kevorkian wannabe and I'll put him down.

Castiel sighed. "Okay."

"You stay safe. Go on that date, alright? Live a normal life." Dean knew fully well that wasn't going to happen, not for someone like Cas who was a magnet to danger that rivalled the Winchesters themselves in terms of hazardous encounters, but for this one night the guy deserved a break.

"Okay," Cas said again.

Dean waited for him to get out of the car as he started the engine. "Well?"

"I need a ride."

"Right." Humans can't zap from place to place, Dean reminded himself and shifted his baby into gear to drive his former angel friend to his very first date.

That was until he had a look at his watch.

"Uh, dude, when did you say your date was?" It was still odd, asking Cas of all people about dates.

"Seven, why?"

Dean chuckled. It was barely past five, the sun hadn't even set yet. They had almost two hours to kill before Cas had to go. "Should I drop you off somewhere to freshen up? Where do you live now, anyway?"

He had intended it as a light question to engage his friend- at least he hoped they still were friends- in a conversation to take his mind off the Rid-Zia-whatever. What he didn't expect was Cas' reaction which was a wince accompanied by a mortified blush. "Dean… I sleep at the convenience store. I have not yet earned enough money to… afford something else."

"You're shitting me, right?" The car swerved a little at Dean's surprise and he looked at the man next to him slightly too long for it to be safe considering he was behind the wheel of a car. Cas looked back with a sad smile.

"I wish I was."

Dean punched the steering wheel fiercely. "Damnit, you should've called, if I had known that… I mean I could've…" He wasn't exactly sure where that sentence was headed. He could have given one of their credit cards to Cas, he probably also could have found the former angel an apartment… but he had just kicked him out of the bunker with nothing. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, a lump blocking his throat.

"What for?" Cas huffed, looking out the window again. "For sending me away with nothing? Without a word of explanation? Or rather for leaving me to figure things out on my own, things I had no idea how to deal with?" Oh, he was mad alright, had every right to be, but his voice, though bitter, was eerily even. Dean thought it was worse than yelling would be.

"Okay, Cas, I know I screwed up. Big time. But you gotta believe me, man, I had my reasons."

The former angel regarded him with a sideways glance and a sad half-smile. "You always do."

Dean felt the sudden urge to pull over and hug his friend and show him that he was there now because words just didn't cut it. He was sorry, but he knew the words didn't fucking mean a thing to Cas because he was hurt. He was hurt and lonely and didn't have his powers or a place to go to and it was all Dean's fault. "Listen," he started after a long moment of silence, "do you wanna grab a bite to eat? My treat."

"You don't have to do this, Dean," sighed Cas, "just drop me off at the gas station, I'll manage from there." And Dean would have done it and let him go but Castiel's traitorous human stomach gave him away.

"Well, now I'm kidnapping ya," Dean teased, turning at the next intersection to get them to a diner. Cas even smiled a little and this time it wasn't sad.

**.**

* * *

**.**

The hunter ordered a bacon cheeseburger and the biggest chocolate shake he'd ever seen for Castiel because he remembered that one time the dude had eaten more than a hundred of those burgers and no one in their right mind could resist a milkshake. He himself just settled for some fries, not really that hungry with all the guilt gnawing away at him. Cas didn't make any attempt at conversation, although he did seem less hostile toward Dean, who just kept nervously tapping his fingers on their table until the waitress finally arrived with their food.

"You seem uncomfortable," the ex-angel stated as he took a generous bite from his burger, humming appreciatively at the taste.

Dean sighed, pushing his fries around the plate. "Not uncomfortable, Cas… just guilty as hell."

Cas nodded, licking his lips just as Dean looked up to catch the motion. He found himself following the pink tongue with his eyes, not exactly sure why. "I apologize for snapping at you in the car. It wasn't meant to evoke guilt… but this situation is so very frustrating, Dean."

It really wasn't funny or anything but nonetheless Dean huffed a laugh. The angel- and he was giving up on all this 'former' or 'ex' crap because Cas would always be an angel to him, human or not- was seriously apologizing to him because he'd been a little bitchy. Damn, he had to really find a way to get his friend back on track. "Dude, I can't say 'I get it', 'cause I don't. I can't know or… or understand what this whole thing must be like for you," he stared earnestly at Castiel, wanting him to really believe the words he was about to say. "But I promise you, you're not in this alone. Not anymore, alright? We'll figure something out. Find you a place to live, maybe a better job if you want and whenever you need something you call, got it?"

For a very long moment Cas just looked back at him unblinkingly. Then he took another large bite out of his burger and washed it down with a mouthful of chocolate milkshake. "I like my job," he finally said. "It has helped me great deal and I don't think I'm qualified to do any other work."

"Fine, then keep working there, Cas, that's cool but please… let me help you find an apartment." Dean was almost begging by now.

"No." Cas sighed, pushing the now empty shake glass away from his body.

"What do you mean '_No'_?" The hunter held a single french fry halfway to his mouth, staring dumbly back at the angel.

"Dean, I appreciate your concern, I do, but I don't want you to do all that just so you can calm your conscience. I understand that I am no longer a valuable asset and eventually I will manage to get my life in order, even without your pity."

Well, that wasn't what the Winchester had expected. Sometimes talking to Castiel was harder than it should be because Cas wasn't all that good at picking up hints and Dean was terrible at putting his thoughts into words when they really meant something. He exhaled sharply and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger, eyes squeezed shut.

"Cas," he began, "I'm not doing this out of pity. I'm offering my help to a friend who not only needs it but also deserves it. Yeah, I admit that I feel very bad for what I did too but mainly I just want you to be… happy."

The angel worried his bottom lip with his teeth, not entirely buying his words. "How can I be happy if I'm no longer an angel?" he asked quietly and Dean's heart almost broke in his chest at how thin Castiel's voice was. He had never seen the angel cry but this was probably what it sounded like when he was close to tears.

"Listen," Dean said, again fighting the urge to hug the other man. "You said it yourself, there's a lot to being human. You'll do great and maybe… maybe one day it won't suck this bad."

And then the infamous head-tilt made an appearance. Dean smiled at the familiar gesture, knowing that he had gotten his message across at least partly. "You really believe that," Cas said in awe.

The hunter's smile grew wider. "Hell yes I do. I know you, Cas, you're a tough son of a bitch. I mean literally no one else survived this long with Sammy and me." Not that he was proud of that. "Now let's get you to that date." He threw some money on the table and got up- At the reminder Cas' eyes widened and he suddenly resembled a fish with his mouth slightly opened in a silent 'o' as he remembered. Dean pulled him up from his seat and clapped him on the shoulder. "C'mon, it's not like you haven't done it before." He winked.

"You're a dick," Cas stated dryly.

Dean laughed wholeheartedly. "Getting better at the insults, Mr Assbutt."

"Shut up," the angel grumbled, trying and failing to hide a small but genuine smile as he shoved the Winchester just when they stepped outside on their way back to the Impala.

**.**

* * *

**.**

Once they arrived at the address Cas had given him the angel was back to being almost shaky with nervousness, eyes wide and round and almost black in the darkness of the car when he hesitantly let his gaze wander to the lit house.

"Okay…" Dean said awkwardly.

"Thanks, Dean." Cas' voice gave away his worry as he opened the door and moved to climb out of the Impala. The hunter called him back.

"Cas! Wait…" Again that stupid awkwardness screwed up his plan to boost the angel's confidence and for a moment he just gestured around the air in search for words. "I can't let you do this," he finally got out after a sigh, looking at the man next to him, noticing the gas-n-sip vest the guy was still sporting.

"What." Cas regarded him with the slightest hint of aggravation. And whoa that was probably because Dean had sounded a lot like he didn't _like_ the idea of Cas dating, which wasn't the case. He was perfectly cool with that and pleased with the little grasshopper's progress. Hell, the guy could have orgies for all he cared, although remembering fake future Castiel that would be bound to end poorly. So maybe he _would_ have a problem with that but not with normal dates. Cas could make his own choices… just clothing-wise they weren't necessarily good ones.

"You're gonna wear _that_?" he asked pointedly, "On a date?"

The angel self-consciously averted his gaze, saying, "This is all I have, Dean."

And enough of that _I'm no angel, I fell, I sleep on the floor of a gas station convenience store and I am wearing stupid blue vests to a date_ bullshit already. "Okay, uh, lose the vest," he ordered.

"What are you-" Cas showed signs of a beginning panic but Dean would have none of it.

"_Lose the vest_, come on," he repeated, sighing when the angel finally complied and shrugged out of the blue material. "That's a little better," he commented, "alright."

He took the fugly thing and tossed it into the backseat, out of sight out of mind. "There we go. All right." At least underneath Cas was wearing a shirt that passed as normal, just… "And do the buttons," he advised, pointing at his own collar to emphasize his words, "Why don't you unbutton it?"

Again Cas followed his clue and loosened the first button, then the second and a third one… wait _what_? "Okay, th- that's far enough, Tony Manero." He laughed a little at his own joke, knowing the anti pop-culture angel next to him couldn't appreciate the reference sufficiently before he gave the man in the passenger seat a once over, making an approving face when he was actually pleased with what he saw. "Um… Yeah. Good."

Now it was time for the Dean Winchester Crash Course of Dating.

"Alright. Listen to me," he started, making sure that Cas was listening and more importantly understanding what he was saying. "Always open the door for her, okay?"-Cas nodded-"Ask a lot of questions. They like that. And, uh… Oh, if she says she's happy to go Dutch… she's lying. Alright?"

When Cas nodded once more he reached over and patted the other man on the chest encouragingly. "Go get 'em, Tiger."

Cas still seemed more than a little terrified, even more so than when they had talked about the angel problem earlier that day, but he took a deep breath and once again opened the car door to get out. Dean smiled fondly at him once he was sure the other man wouldn't notice and his heart constricted a little in his chest at the thought that Cas would now go into that house and woo a pretty woman.

At the garden gate the angel stopped and turned around, so Dean gave him a thumbs-up, which was answered by a mirrored gesture which made the exchange infinitely more awkward. Dean made a mental note to never do that again. He watched closely as Cas crouched down at the door to cut off one of the roses there, pleasantly surprised by the smooth move. "Nice touch," he said out loud. It had always been clear to the hunter that, if Cas ever discovered the appeal of women, he would be the romantic type. Dean couldn't hold back his smile, even while the dull feeling in his chest became ever more present. He had no idea what it was but he didn't like it… although he kinda did.

Before knocking Cas turned around one last time and waved his free hand madly in the air. At first Dean thought it was a wave goodbye and lifted his hand too until he realized the angel wanted him gone so as not to embarrass himself. Wouldn't want the lady thinking he and Cas were an item now, would we… He was just starting up the car again, ready to pull out of the driveway and disappear into the night when the stupid Ford parked in front of him went into reverse, making the action a tad more difficult. Dean swore loudly at the other driver, though he couldn't hear, and it felt strangely good to have an outlet for the annoyance he hadn't even noticed he'd been harbouring. What he was annoyed with exactly he wasn't sure.

But then he was free, flipping the bird to that douche nozzle of a Ford owner and wishing Cas all the luck in the world for his date.

**.**

* * *

**.**

"_He was already a bit screwy, but then he found religion. She was a hard-line atheist, no peach herself, when he got himself obsessed with this Buddy Boyle whack job, an already bad marriage got worse. Kept telling her to 'let God in'."_

Dean only listened to the Sheriff with one ear, but one name caught his attention. "Buddy Boyle. That explains it," he muttered.

"Explains what?" the Sheriff enquired.

"Never mind," the hunter dismissed. "Let's see…" He rummaged through the files on the desk, looking at some photos- until he came across the very freaking Ford he almost bumped into just over an hour before. "Is that his truck?" he asked, although he already knew the answer.

The Sheriff's "_Yep_" was barely registered as his mind already went a hundred miles an hour. "Cas," he got out, already storming toward the door before he even knew he was running. This couldn't be happening, he couldn't have left the stupid human angel in a life threatening situation by himself _again_.

He had promised to _be there_, damnit.

The Impala's engine roared to life, Dean immediately abusing the gas pedal and pulling out of the parking lot at the back of the police station. Thankfully not many cars were out on the streets and he drove generously above the speed limit, begging for Castiel to be alright, chanting _pleasepleaseplease _like a mantra under his breath.

Somehow the drive back to Nora's house seemed infinitely longer, even though he sped along the road twice as fast, almost running over a lady at a crossing and at one point dangerously close to colliding with a cyclist. He really didn't care much for them, the only thought on his mind being his angel's rescue-

Wait.

_His angel._

That was an unusual way to label his best friend who wasn't even an angel any more, but Dean thought it oddly fitting. Cas had always been _his_ angel in one messed-up way or another but there was literally no time to follow where that thought might have lead any further because he hit the brakes hard, coming to a screeching halt in front of the quiet house.

The brown truck was still parked out front so Dean didn't lose any time, quickly killing the engine and all but jumping out of the car before breaking into a crazed sprint when he saw the front door standing slightly ajar.

Inside he could hear voices but his ears were drumming from running so fast and he couldn't make out what they were saying, he just followed the sound into what turned out to be a kind of dining room or something. Dean could barely catch a glimpse of Cas, who was still very much alive, before he was thrown into the wood panelled wall, almost knocked unconscious again.

Motherfucking dickhead angels, man.

"_You say you want to live,"_ a smooth voice clearly not belonging to Cas said, _"But you can't see what I see."_ Dean was just slowly pulling himself up again, fighting against the jolts of pain and only half-listening to what the angel was saying, even though he heard every word.

"_By choosing a human life, you've already given up- You. Chose. Death."_

The Rit Zey-ey-ian (okay, he really needed to learn how to listen more closely when people explained stuff to him) was just about to smite the shit out of Cas when Dean's head cleared enough for him to quickly slide the angel blade still in his hand across the floor where his friend caught it smoothly enough to thrust it into the angel hovering above him just in time. By now the stupidly bright glow of a dying angel had become a sight he was fairly used to but much like with the reaper all those weeks ago it didn't really feel like a victory once he met Castiel's broken gaze.

With a grunt he pushed himself off the ground, carefully avoiding shards of glass and pointedly ignoring his protesting back, while Cas still stood motionless except for his ragged breathing.

"We gotta stop meeting up like this," he joked referring to the last time he had been hulk-smashed into a wall by a heavenly douche.

Cas swallowed before looking at him with huge blue eyes. "I'm so sorry, Dean."

"Nah, I'm just glad you're okay," the hunter confessed quietly, rubbing his nose and staring at the floor before taking in the damage done to the room. "Uh, you know, not like it's any of my business… but won't your date mind the mess?" He looked around some more. "And where is she, anyway?"

Cas flushed in obvious embarrassment. "I… misinterpreted her intentions. She needed me as a babysitter while she went out."

Dean flinched sympathetically. "Ouch." There was a short pause. "The baby alright?"

The dark-haired man nodded. "She has a slight temperature, I think, but Ephraim did not get to her…" Cas' eyes widened in shock. "Nora could be here any moment, I called her about my concerns regarding Tanya's fever!"

"Shit. Well, you better check up on the kid," Dean said, "Meanwhile I'll clean up as good as I can. We wouldn't want you to get fired."

Castiel jerked his head in a single nod and made his way into what Dean assumed must be the nursery.

It turned out all evidence of the fight was quickly gotten rid of, burned angel and all, and Dean was just shoving the last chair into place when the woman from the gas-n-sip appeared in the door, looking terribly worried. "Who are- no wait, I _know_ you! You're Steve's friend from this morning," she said, sceptically scanning the room. "Where is he?"

"I'm here," Cas spoke quietly from the doorway, cradling a small blanket bundle in his arms, which upon closer inspection turned out to be the baby. "I'm sorry."

Dean backed away toward the door slowly once Nora rushed to her baby. "I, uh," he said awkwardly, "I'll be outside."

**.**

* * *

**.**

He had just parked the car in a better position when his phone rang, caller-ID showing Sam's number. With a sigh he answered the device, holding it to his ear. "Yeah?"

"_Dean_," his brother sounded gruff. Not a good sign. "_Are you okay? I tried calling earlier_."

The older Winchester rubbed his eyes tiredly and got out of the Impala to breathe some fresh air, already having a bad feeling about the conversation. "I'm fine, Sammy- case is all done." It wasn't a lie, he _had_ finished the case. No need to mention that Cas had almost died on him in the process. "Any news on the tablet deal?"

"_That's kinda why I'm calling._" His brother exhaled audibly. "_Crowley read through the translations. He says the spell's irreversible and all the angels are trapped down here. Forever_."

Dean frowned and shook his head before realizing the younger hunter couldn't see him. "Well, there's no way. Crowley's lying."

"_No, Dean. Not this time_." Sam sounded utterly defeated. "_Look, Metatron built the spell to withstand any attempt to reverse it. There is no putting the angels back in Heaven. It's done_."

The words sounded so final coming from his brother's lips that Dean felt like he'd been kicked in the stomach- or maybe that was still the aftermath from his collision with the wall. Whatever caused the feeling, Dean didn't like it. At all.

"_Are you gonna tell Cas?"_

Good fucking question, Sam Winchester. Dean had no idea what to do with the info about the spell. Sure, he should tell Cas… but the guy was crushed enough as it was and he'd had a tough friggin' day so maybe he could put that off until tomorrow. "I don't think so. Not yet, anyway."

"_Fine, it's your choice, man- but he deserves to know._"

"I know that." Dean sighed, hearing the metal gate squeak in the background, announcing Cas' presence. "I gotta go," he mumbled before he hung up and turned around. Cas looked dead on his feet, holding his left hand close to his body. Dean made a mental note to check him for other possible injuries later on. But first they both needed some rest.

"Where to, Cas?" he asked but he didn't get an answer straight away because Cas merely regarded him with a look of exhaustion before climbing into the car on the passenger side. Dean shrugged and got in behind the wheel, starting the engine. "Well?"

"Dean, I told you I had nowhere to go. I just got the keys to the gas station."

The hunter shook his head. "When was the last time you slept in a bed?"

"April," his friend confessed in a murmur.

"Shit, dude," Dean exclaimed, staring at him in shock. "Well, I'm not gonna let you sleep on the floor tonight, you're coming to the motel with me. There's two beds in the room."

"Fine." Cas was too tired to argue, though it was obvious he didn't like the idea. They stayed silent for the duration of the ride, Cas almost dozing off against the cool window and Dean debating with himself how to break the tablet news to his angel friend in a sensible way. The streets were still fairly quiet and Dean took his time, driving even below the speed limit most of the time.

Arriving at the motel he pulled into a parking spot right in front of his door, so he had a good view of the Impala from his window. He disliked it when his baby was out of sight. With a heavy sigh he pushed the door open, the sound startling Cas into a slightly more awake state.

"C'mon," Dean said reassuringly, "there's a real actual bed waiting inside."

Both men got out of the car and the hunter, after locking and double-checking his beloved vehicle, lead the way to the room a couple of steps away. It wasn't much but it was clean and spacious enough. There were fresh towels on both beds and Dean smiled tiredly as he dropped onto the bed he had already slept in the previous night.

"Feel free to take a shower, Cas," he mumbled, eyes already falling shut. "Just grab a towel and off you go. I think there might even be a plastic-wrapped toothbrush in there somewhere."

"Thank you, Dean."

He didn't know when he'd fallen asleep exactly but he woke up again when a towel-clad, water-dripping former angel of the Lord walked past him, toothbrush in mouth. I might have been his sleep-deprived state of mind but Cas looked seriously _hot_. For a guy. Sure, the hunter had seen that chest bared before but back then he'd been a bit too preoccupied with mourning his friend's death to really appreciate the view.

Well, now he was making up for lost time.

Castiel's back muscles flexed appealingly as he picked up the hand towel from his bed and Dean had to remember to shut his slack-jawed mouth when his friend turned around again, walking back into the bathroom and shutting the door. He heard the familiar ruffle of denim inside and drew his eyebrows together. "Hey, Cas, you're not gonna sleep in your jeans, are you?" he called into the bathroom.

A second later Cas' head peeked outside. "I don't own any sleepwear."

"Jeez, you're making everything extremely difficult, you know that?"

Castiel licked his lips. "I wasn't aware my attire was causing you discomfort."

The hunter reluctantly rolled out of bed and walked over to his duffel bag, rummaging through it until he found a pair of sweatpants he always carried with him but never wore and a simple black v-neck tee. "Here," he said, tossing the items at Castiel's face, "you can wear these. Much more comfortable."

Cas, as an immediate reaction to the clothes hitting his face, pulled a grimace à la Sam but, upon eyeing the pile at his feet looked almost as if he was moved to tears. "Thank you," he whispered.

A minute later the angel emerged from the bathroom again, the sweats hanging low on his hips because his body was leaner than Dean's and the shirt not as tight as it would be on the hunter himself. But he looked good in Dean's clothes. Really good.

Involuntarily the hunter smiled at the sight before him, a rare private smile he reserved for very few people. "Lookin' good, Cas," he said, shamelessly giving his friend a onceover, starting at the still damp hair clinging to Castiel's forehead and letting his eyes wander down until his bare feet came into view.

Cas smiled almost timidly. "You're just saying that because I'm wearing your clothes."

"Yeah maybe, but they fit you real nice."

"They smell like you, you know," Cas mumbled as he walked past him and pulled back the covers on his bed so he could climb in and wrap himself into a cocoon of sheets. Awkward silence settled and the angel's eyes grew wide. "That was… an odd statement to make. I apologize."

Dean shrugged it off, hoping he didn't look as shocked as he felt. "Don't sweat it. I'll… go… shower."

With that he fled into the bathroom after grabbing a spare set of clothes.

Inside the small room he felt much safer, though Cas' lingering smell did not help to ease his confusion in the slightest. He blamed the weird feelings on tiredness and the gut-wrenching fact that he had almost lost his angel again but he had been _this_ close to a red-light awkward boner alert back in the room, not lastly because of Cas' words, so all he could do now once he started the shower was not jerking off. Not even _thinking_ of it.

Not even _thinking_ of _not thinking of_-

Shit.

So maybe he was considering it. Big deal. It wasn't like he had never done it while imagining Dr Sexy, so it wasn't the _dude_ part that had him worried and stubbornly ignoring the pooling heat in his nether regions, it was the _Cas_ part. Because Cas was his best friend, his fallen angel, and he had no right to think of him in any other way than that. So he switched the shower to cooler temperatures.

The cold water raining down on him cleared his head and eased down his dick somewhat so after a couple of minutes under the cold stream he felt ready to face the world- and therefore his temporary roommate- again.

He slipped on a new pair of boxers and a white t-shirt, then, ruffling a towel through his wet hair, attempted to unscrew the toothpaste and apply it onto his toothbrush, which he managed miraculously.

Another five minutes later he stepped back into the room, feeling much more relaxed. Cas was still awake, staring at the ceiling and completely tangled in his blanket.

"Dude, you look like a burrito." Dean chuckled.

"Delicious?"

The answer was purely innocent, the innuendo only unhelpfully provided by the hunter's own mind but this time he had his crotch tamed and merely got into bed himself, turning off the light built into the headboard, therefore dipping the room into darkness.

It was very quiet for a long while, their breathing even but neither drifting off into sleep. Dean replayed the day's events in his head, retracing the case step by step but constantly stumbling across one precise point that had begun to really bother him.

"Are we gonna talk about what the angel said to you?"

Castiel squirmed at the question. "There's nothing to talk about."

"Oh, isn't there?" because I remember you telling me that Rit-a-whatshisname was out to make atom powder out of those who suffered and you were his target, so…"

"As I told you, he couldn't distinguish between different kinds of pain, Dean."

"He said… he said 'you chose death'… is that true? Is it like that for you, being human?"

Castiel hesitated but turned onto his side so he could face Dean when he answered. "Sometimes, yes. I feel like I'm… nothing, because I'm so weak, so useless-"

"You're not useless, Cas," Dean interrupted, staring back at him. "_You_ ganked the fucker today, remember that."

The other man shook his head sadly. "Only because of your help. He would have killed me otherwise."

Dean cracked a smile, although in the dark Cas probably couldn't see it. "I promised I'd be there from now on, didn't I?"

"I didn't think you meant it," Cas admitted. And that hurt a little but Dean didn't blame his friend for not trusting him after everything.

"Well, I did. Now sleep, this is breaching chick-flick territory."

This time Cas was the one to chuckle. "Oh dear, we wouldn't want that, of course."

Dean's eyes, already drooping, shot wide open again. "Was that _sarcasm_?"

"Goodnight, Dean."

"Huh," Dean huffed but snuggled further into the sheets, allowing his eyes to fall shut again. He was asleep within minutes.

It felt like much later but couldn't be because it was still completely dark outside when he awoke. For a moment he was disoriented and didn't know what had disturbed him until he had shaken off his sleepiness enough to notice the broken sobs coming from the other bed.

"Cas?" he asked, yawning. "Hey Cas, you okay?"

No answer except for more sniffled moans.

"Dude…" Dean murmured under his breath and rolled out of bed, slowly padding over to where his friend was apparently still sleeping. Cas' hair clung to his face and he was soaked in sweat, muttering unintelligible things in a language Dean couldn't understand. He shook the other man slightly, trying to ease him into consciousness.

Suddenly Castiel jerked into a sitting position, eyes wide open and red-rimmed from crying. Dean swallowed hard at the sight. "Shhh, it's okay, s'all good, Cas, you just had a nightmare."

"A nightmare," Cas repeated after him breathlessly.

"Yeah."

"It felt so real," he whispered brokenly, fixing fearful eyes on the hunter. He looked so much like a terrified child, Dean's heart broke all over.

A moment later he had a shaking bundle of falling angel clinging to him. For a second he flailed his arms wildly, not knowing where to put them or what to do with himself until he caved and rested them around Castiel's torso. The grip around his neck tightened and Dean relaxed into the embrace.

"Repeat after me," he said softly when a sob escaped the angel's lips, "It wasn't real."

"It was not real," Cas repeated dutifully, voice muffled by Dean's shirt, his breath causing gooseflesh to break out on the hunter's neck.

"Just a dream, nothing more."

"It was just… a dream." Cas breathed in shakily, "Nothing more."

"Good boy," Dean patted his friend's back affectionately as he pulled away. "Now go back to sleep, we'll talk about it tomorrow." He moved to stand up but Cas caught him by the wrist, looking up at him expectantly.

"Can… can you…"

"Can I what, Cas? C'mon you know I need my four hours. So do you."

The angel swallowed, averting his gaze again. "Stay?" he asked.

His first impulse was to state that he wasn't fucking going anywhere until he realized what Cas meant. And okay, that terrified him a bit because he still wasn't sure where all this… this affection for the angel was coming from lately, maybe it was some sort of protective instinct kicking in because the angel was human and vulnerable now and Dean felt responsible… The hunter decided any other explanation would be ridiculous and he felt secure enough in his sexuality to not have any meaningful feelings whatsoever toward his very platonic friend as he climbed back onto the mattress.

"Scoot over, dumbass," he grumbled, shoving at the still trembling man playfully so he could settle behind him.

"Thank you, Dean," Cas whispered after a long time but Dean was almost completely asleep again, lured into unconsciousness by the heat radiating off the other's body and the regular sound of breathing.

The next morning Dean woke up cosily snuggled up against the angel. Which sounded bad but still better than '_spooning the angel'_, because that was kind of what it must have looked like to an outsider, what with the hunter's arm resting protectively- _possessively_- around Cas while one of Cas' legs was caught in between the hunter's.

It was too intimate to be comfortable.

_However_- Dean, instead of jumping up and running for his life like the insensible bastard he was, tentatively tugged at the angel to untangle himself enough so he could get up. He decided to use the bathroom and freshen up for the day and postpone waking his friend up. The guy needed his rest.

The fact that he didn't have to deal with morning wood cheered him immensely because it showed that he wasn't nearly as affected by Cas as he had begun to think. That was good, so he whistled a soft tune to himself when he finished brushing his teeth and changed into his day clothes.

When he emerged from the bathroom Cas was already awake and bright red with embarrassment.

"I have no idea what got into me, Dean," he murmured apologetically.

"Nothing to be ashamed of. You had a bad dream and needed a hug. Can't blame ya."

"Can we… not talk about it ever again?"

Dean frowned. "Fine, if that's what you want. Just know that you _can_ talk to me."

"Of course." Cas nodded.

The hunter smiled crookedly at the angel and reached out to ruffle Cas' hair on an impulse he couldn't explain but didn't question. When he'd still had his powers, touching Castiel had always appeared to be somewhat off limits but human Castiel almost seemed like he was craving bodily contact. Plus; Dean had always wanted to feel that hair, having admired its softness for years. Castiel huffed, unamused, and pushed his hand away before disappearing into the bathroom.

**.**

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**.**

A good half hour later they were on the road, steadily approaching Dean's departure. The light mood from earlier that morning was gone without a trace, Cas being inexplicably pensive ever since he'd stepped out of the bathroom to find him awake.

The Impala came to a grumbling halt directly in front of the gas-n-sip shop. Since Cas- or _Steve_- was the one to open up there were no other people around yet. "Listen, Cas," Dean said earnestly. "Back at the bunker, I, uh... Sorry I told you to go. I know it's been hard on you, you know, on your own. Well, you're adapting. I'm proud of you."

And he _was_. He was damn proud of his angel.

"Thank you, Dean." Cas sighed. "But there's something Ephraim said. The angels — they need help. Can I really sit this out? Shouldn't I be searching for a way to get them home?"

That explained what he'd been thinking about all morning, Dean thought. It was the perfect opportunity to tell Cas about what Sam had found out, but he couldn't do it- because he was a coward and because he disliked the thought of Cas going out and facing the wrath of his holy siblings like the freaking bull's eye on legs he was now that he was human.

Dean couldn't tell him. So he didn't.

"Me and Sam will take care of the angels. You're human now. It's not your problem anymore."

Cas didn't like that response, that much was obvious, but he seemed content enough with it for the time being and moved to exit the car. The hunter was almost as guilt-ridden as he had been when he had left the bunker, but for an entirely different reason and he hated himself for his inability to just be straightforward with Cas, even after their strangely intimate encounter during the night.

The Winchester met the fallen angel's gaze through the open window and raised his hand in a friendly gesture of farewell. Cas reciprocated the wave, expression grim, and turned away to walk the few meters to the glass door. From the moment he put the key into the lock his posture changed slightly and Dean knew his friend readied himself for another day as Steve, the sales associate, and- silly as it was- he missed the angel already.

With a heavy heart, much heavier than he would have liked, he restarted the Impala and drove back onto the road, hoping Cas would be okay and begging the Universe for a clue how to get the angels back into Heaven after all before shit hit the fan big time.

He had the nagging feeling that this would be their greatest challenge yet.

**.**

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_Reviews would make me happy, so drop some if you liked it x_


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